Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
