Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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