kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
