dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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