Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
