i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
As shirtless as possible
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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