I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
