Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
