Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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