i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
