Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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