Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
