I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
