i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
