Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
