Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
