Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
