Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
