i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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