I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
