just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
