I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
