Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
