wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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