I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I party with great urgency now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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