you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
