i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
