24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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