It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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