This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize