you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize