my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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