Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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