I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
