Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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