marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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