We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
