I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
