Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
