I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
