i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
