were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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