I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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