Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
