My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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