he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
