8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My dick has a subreddit
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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