I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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