i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize