This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
