so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
