I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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