Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
