I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
