I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Text me some of your sweat
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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