I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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